LinkedIn Email
LinkedIn – Hi, Jacob: State Street, Google, and Hewlett Packard are looking for candidates like you, but just a little bit better.
Top Job Picks For You:
Investment Analyst, State Street.
Based on your Bachelor’s Degree from “Northeastern”, we’ve determined that you may be interested in this position. However, State Street will definitely select a candidate from one of the several better universities that the Boston area has to offer. Should've tried harder in high school.
Software Engineer, Google.
Based on your skills “Public Speaking, C+ Programming Language, and Research”, we’ve determined that you may be interested in this position. But Google is more of a cool company. Pick up the ukulele or something fun. Dabble in crochet. Or croquet. Just don’t bore us to death with all of those uninteresting “Certifications” you have on your profile and whatnot. Lighten up a bit. Use more words like “whatnot” and “anywho”. Anywho, you also listed that you know C+, but C++ exists now. Keep up, Jacob.
Senior Project Manager – Client Services, Hewlett Packard.
Based on your connections “Samuel Cotter” and “Jackson Packard” who also work here, we’ve determined that you may be interested in this position. Though, you clearly don’t have the poise necessary for the role. Remember in high school when Danny Menard offered you and Sam some pot, and then Sam said no and you said yes? Much like your mother, we think you should’ve been more like that handsome Sam boy down the road if you really wanted to succeed here. Or you should have had Jackson Packard’s dad as a father. That’s what Jackson did.
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Congratulations! David Stetson has endorsed you for the following skills: Missing the Cut, Flying Under the Radar (in a bad way!), and Wallowing in Self-pity.
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